Que Sera, Sera

Its just another Sunday evening spent watching a dismally played game of football, had another debate with my stepmother and spent about an hour with Squiggle. This is made even worse by the fact that after a week of being at home with my stepmother and the rest of the family then a further week with my brother and cat house-sitting this is the first time I have been out with any of my old friends and the first day my mother has been back and she seems to have already gone back to treating me like her personal punchbag.

Not going to whine though used to it. Going back home soon. Strange calling that dingy little room my home since I've only stayed there for all of two weeks (paid rent for two months though). When I get home I need desperately to get a job. Easier said then done. More so when I am not a people person. I mean I have friends, good friends, people who I know I wouldn't be able to live without even though since I moved I haven't seen any of them :-(. But I'm actually okay with that. I'm a loner at heart I suppose. Even at school I was much more comfortable sitting in the library getting lost in one of the many adventures that have slowly become my real life, or, having intellectual debates with the librarian. The problem with work though would be I would have to find something with very little human contact. People actually scare me. Odd statement I know but it's sadly true. Have this whole anxiety/agoraphobia thing going. I blame the books :-).

I am hoping that the college will need some a cleaner or something. I start college on the sixth which I am feeling very...nervously excited about. I love the idea of going back and actually getting closer to the person I want to become. I have spent the majority of the summer working toward it. I think I am now an encyclopedia on The Great Gatsby and Oleanna.

I have hinted before about the fact I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, and I hate leaving it. My second world however, is by far less superior, less exciting and in a word dull. I have been more shaped by the books I read and the music that is constantly in the background of my life then any person who has stumbled in and inevitably out of my life.

I looked through my friends recently, new and old. College and High School and realised I am actually not the norm. I mean I knew that I was different before but now it seems to be cemented. Out of my close knit group of friends Hagrid, Fry and I are the only ones who haven't got married/engaged/had a child. Even more daunting is that out of most of the people in my school we are the only three who haven't gone to uni or done one or more of those three. Hagrid and I are the only ones in fact who are single and plan to stay that way for a long time. Hagrid is my favourite person other than possibly Sporty they are both very similar I suppose which is why I love them so. But I have known Hagrid for nearly twelve years, a long time for someone like me who has a tendency of getting bored of places and people, and having grown up together and I have watched her become less Hagrid style to a beautiful and intelligent woman has brought me some happiness. Sporty is different in only one way, other then me only knowing her for two years, she is like me and would prefer short term relationship not long ones like Hagrid. The one thing we all have in common is our complete disinterest in getting married or having babies in the near future on in fact ever.

At nineteen I never really understood how the rest of the friends I have collected have wanted these things. I always put it down to the fact that I've been terrified of becoming any of my mother figures. Not a nice thought. And marriage to me is such a lie. The idea that anyone could turn to the opposite sex and say I will not get bored of you, I will only ever want you, nobody else and I won't be bad to you is beyond me. Maybe Frued was right and parents are to blame for everything we feel as adults?

Anyways I'm sure I have rambled enough for today. Time to get back to the grindstone.
Loves