Foundations

You know what I love most about books, motion pictures and television shows? I love not only the escapism aspect but also the way they make you questions things that are happening in your life better then any other medium. I especially love it when it comes out of nowhere.

Sat in front of the television this afternoon I started to watch The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, granted not a cinematic vision but still it holds a place in my damaged heart. As I watched these four young women blossom, find romance, accept romance, find their place and answers it was like it spoke directly to me.

Tibby is my favourite character, forgetting for a moment that I absolutely adore Alexis Bledel, the character of whom I most relate to. After suffering a pregnancy scare she dumps her devoted boyfriend in an ‘I’m going to hurt you before you ultimately hurt me’ manner. Which leads to evitable line “You need to have a little faith, Tibby. Not everyone you love is going to leave you,”

Each character brings the element of relationships and trust into play whilst remaining light frothy fun. It delves into parental issues, and god knows I have a lot of them, and romantic ones “Why can’t you stop thinking about it and follow your heart?” “Because he broke my heart!” and of course it looks intimately at the friendships that the girls have with each other.

Next course of action was to read a little. Now I must explain first I am a wannabe writer, which might shock you since I realise, these blogs aren’t exactly sculpted or grammatically correct but as they represent my thoughts I don’t care. Usually I write poems or novels that are bit, well, depressing is one word, prostitution, post natal depression and a lot of love loss and death are involved. Recently though I set myself a little challenge. I want to write a Mills and Boon, mainly because it would be fun I naively thought and secondly getting published by them would give me a foothold in the writing world. Now as a strictly Margaret Atwood style reader the most romantic books I have read are Jane Austen style, dilemma number one. So I went to Grammy, an avid reader for more years then she’d wish for me to announce, and borrowed some of hers. Most of them were hard reading, the feminist at me yelling at the top of my lungs, but, a few of them…well…they did something to me which led nicely into me thinking of relationships again.

I’m not a good dater, never have been, never will be. I cut and run at the first sign of danger if we even get that far. I’ve had two serious relationships in my life both of which were a disaster, which is the main reason I lasted so long in them. My first one I had we lasted two years, in which I moved in with him and he basically hurt me in every way possible, never mind move on. Then there was him, the guy who I even stated to before we started actually dating rather then dancing around each other, that he would either be the best thing that ever happened to me or one of us would fuck the other well and truly up…guess what happened and to whom.

Back to the Mills and Boon world though I started noticing how even though it is quite deep down I have sculpted this image of a guy in my head that doesn’t exist. This guy is a cut and dry Mills and Boon hero/Disney character/Jane Austen novel gorgeous man. These men don’t exist. And moreover I seem to choose the more sociopathic ones J.

Next activity was the writing part of my day, that didn’t go well, never really does. Then came Being Erica. It seems my entire day I have been confronted with these issues about relationships that I need to work through. Albeit so does a lot of people but this is my blog it’s about me so…Erica always makes me contemplate my life, my role in the world and why it is that I can’t have a time travelling psychiatrist.
So here I am at two o’clock in the morning again just thinking. Thinking about the relationships in my life. Thinking about why everything seems to be changing at the speed of light and leaving me feeling exactly the same as I did when I was thirteen years old?
Maybe it is just a human condition. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, I’m not in the weird belief that I am special in someway that I am feeling things that no one has ever experienced, but why do we feel this…insecurity about change and people. Why is it so damn hard to just let someone real, made of flesh and blood full of conflicting emotions and eccentricities, in?

Be Prepared

Yesterday I wrote the list of some of my favourite films EVER! But then a thought struck me as I was thinking of what pictures to add to make it pretty, if I had to choose only one film to watch for the rest of my life what would it be? Now to elaborate on the question since I asked a few friends who got very confused, the film wouldn't be playing constantly just if I wanted to watch a film it would have to be that one. And I was stumped for ages.

By the way there will be many posts on what many people might consider absolutely random nonsensical thoughts, welcome to may life people.

I mean when choosing one film for the rest of your life do you choose an epic, something with cinematic prowess that has been critically acclaimed and has one more awards then one can dream of, or something soft and light hearted which is easy viewing, a comedy, a horror, a romance ect. One friend had the helpful conclusion that since she had seen her choosen film, Pride and Prejudice, so many times the idea of it being ruined through over viewing is beyond her, since it would of happened already if were to ever happen.

So I turned my brain into thinking what film have I seen more then any other and I was left with two films as front runners, Lion King and It's a Wonderful Life. Both of which have so many great attributes and are so very different I thought how was I to pick from these two? I thought of how at my lowest points A Wonderful Life will undoubtedly make me feel better but so would Lion King...Lion King has so much humour in but would "Say it again, say it again, Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa" still be funny after hearing it the 1000th time?

I eventually settled on Lion King mainly because it has songs and a cuteness which I think I would want if I was to watch something forever. Think about it would you really want to watch something like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which is an epic motion picture, but after a while I couldn't handle the heartbreak of it. I want life affirming, child-like, sweetness forever. Suppose thats true in my "real" life to...maybe I should find Neverland.

Loves
x x x

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

This is purely to keep me and my perfectionist brain happy. In the profile I began to say what are my favourite films...if you have read my profile, who ever you are...you might realise that I am very indecisive. So here is my list of the greatest films ever, not in any particular order just what has popped into my head first. (Not including already mentioned films in my profile.)

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,

Most Zombie films as long as they aren't cheesy 80's flicks (yes I'm talking to you The Return to the Living Dead)

Moulin Rouge

Australia

Atonement (which I have only been able to watch once because I'm not sure whether anything even another viewing of this great film will bring THAT kind of emotion to me again)

Any Disney Film (I am a child at heart)

American Psycho, he reminds of alot of my ex's

Enduring Love

Brief Encounter

Black Narcissus

Kill Bill 1&2

Jerry Maguire

Pretty Woman (again really anything with Julia Roberts in, especially when she's acting opposite Richard Gere)

Phantom of the Opera
City of God
Dirty Dancing (not the second, can never understand the reasoning behind making thousands of sequels and again I'm talking to you Friday the 13th)
Little Miss Sunshine

The Dark Knight (I am in love with Heath Ledger which is a bit scary since he is dead but hey I am strange)

Withnail and I

An Education
Any Monty Python film,
The Goonies
Zodiac

Four Weddings and a Funeral,

Hot Fuzz

The Breakfast Club,

Chicago,
Pretty in Pink,
Fatal Attraction,
Save the Last Dance,

Grease,

The Green Mile...I'd turn back now if your not ready for a lot more...


In a quick change of pace my favourite quote ever has to be "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," or "You know how to whistle don't you. You just put your lips together and blow,"

Back to the list, we have some way to go yet folks...

The Truman Show

Pride and Prejudice, Keira Knightley version

The Hole,
The Illusionist,
Interview with an Vampire,
Scarface
The Maltese Falcon
The Virgin Suicides,
No Country for Old Men
It's a Wonderful Life (who actually goes a Christmas without watching this film?)
Brokeback Mountain,
Se7en
Double Indemnity,
The King and I,
American Beauty (Actually a bit afraid at how long it took me to write this down)

When Harry Met Sally

Stand By Me
Lord of the Rings Trilogy, (The books are better though)
Donnie Darko
Pyscho
Gone with the Wind
Casablanca,
Anything with Marilyn Monroe,
Fight Club,
The Shawshank Redemption,

Favourite Actress: Julia Roberts or Julie Andrews
Favourite Actor: Hugh Jackman or Morgan Freeman
Favourite Director: Quentin Tarrantino (including True Romance)

I think I might end the list here but so, so, so many more can be put in this list but for all you fascinating readers :-P I will leave it here.
Loves

Que Sera, Sera

Its just another Sunday evening spent watching a dismally played game of football, had another debate with my stepmother and spent about an hour with Squiggle. This is made even worse by the fact that after a week of being at home with my stepmother and the rest of the family then a further week with my brother and cat house-sitting this is the first time I have been out with any of my old friends and the first day my mother has been back and she seems to have already gone back to treating me like her personal punchbag.

Not going to whine though used to it. Going back home soon. Strange calling that dingy little room my home since I've only stayed there for all of two weeks (paid rent for two months though). When I get home I need desperately to get a job. Easier said then done. More so when I am not a people person. I mean I have friends, good friends, people who I know I wouldn't be able to live without even though since I moved I haven't seen any of them :-(. But I'm actually okay with that. I'm a loner at heart I suppose. Even at school I was much more comfortable sitting in the library getting lost in one of the many adventures that have slowly become my real life, or, having intellectual debates with the librarian. The problem with work though would be I would have to find something with very little human contact. People actually scare me. Odd statement I know but it's sadly true. Have this whole anxiety/agoraphobia thing going. I blame the books :-).

I am hoping that the college will need some a cleaner or something. I start college on the sixth which I am feeling very...nervously excited about. I love the idea of going back and actually getting closer to the person I want to become. I have spent the majority of the summer working toward it. I think I am now an encyclopedia on The Great Gatsby and Oleanna.

I have hinted before about the fact I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, and I hate leaving it. My second world however, is by far less superior, less exciting and in a word dull. I have been more shaped by the books I read and the music that is constantly in the background of my life then any person who has stumbled in and inevitably out of my life.

I looked through my friends recently, new and old. College and High School and realised I am actually not the norm. I mean I knew that I was different before but now it seems to be cemented. Out of my close knit group of friends Hagrid, Fry and I are the only ones who haven't got married/engaged/had a child. Even more daunting is that out of most of the people in my school we are the only three who haven't gone to uni or done one or more of those three. Hagrid and I are the only ones in fact who are single and plan to stay that way for a long time. Hagrid is my favourite person other than possibly Sporty they are both very similar I suppose which is why I love them so. But I have known Hagrid for nearly twelve years, a long time for someone like me who has a tendency of getting bored of places and people, and having grown up together and I have watched her become less Hagrid style to a beautiful and intelligent woman has brought me some happiness. Sporty is different in only one way, other then me only knowing her for two years, she is like me and would prefer short term relationship not long ones like Hagrid. The one thing we all have in common is our complete disinterest in getting married or having babies in the near future on in fact ever.

At nineteen I never really understood how the rest of the friends I have collected have wanted these things. I always put it down to the fact that I've been terrified of becoming any of my mother figures. Not a nice thought. And marriage to me is such a lie. The idea that anyone could turn to the opposite sex and say I will not get bored of you, I will only ever want you, nobody else and I won't be bad to you is beyond me. Maybe Frued was right and parents are to blame for everything we feel as adults?

Anyways I'm sure I have rambled enough for today. Time to get back to the grindstone.
Loves